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It has been a whirlwind of a time. Sorry we hadnt been posting for a while. E is now 9 months 10 days old!

Just for the records:

*6 teeth (4 on top and 2 below)

* Eating 2 meals of solids a day

* Can crawl

* Can stand with support

* Can walk with her Puku Walker

* Says mamamama, papapapa, ahhhh puuuuuu.

It has been very exciting as we watch her grow and hit her milestones and she surprises us every other day. Mama has changed a job just so that i can reach home earlier to play with E before her bed time. Talking bout bed time, it has all screwed up. Gone were the days where she slept at 8.30pm till the next morning. Probably due to teething, probably due to growth spruts, she now sleep at about 10plus to the next morning, sometimes with abit of crying in the middle of the night.

Because she has started solids, i have been cooking her food diligently so she get her nutritious meals. She is NOT on baby led weaning although that was a method i wanted to embark on. But for a full time working mom and unsupportive caregivers, it was a no go.  I will blog more about the food i have cooked for her so far in the next few blog posts.

As she has also started attempted to walk, i have upgraded her pram and soft sole shoes to something hardier so she gets more support when stepping on the ground. This calls for another blog post too!

We have also explored some activities together, such as play gyms and swim classes and indoor playgrounds. This is something i would like to pen down some day.

One last thing i would like to dedicate a blog post to is baby wearing. It is so awesome that even Papa Toh is embracing it so much.

Do continue to read our blog as we update over the next few days/weeks!

xoxo

Mama

Day 18

Its been 18 days since my baby was born. These 18 days, i am supposed to be resting and building back my energy and strength, especially from a c sec. Thank god for hubs and mom who have been around to take care of baby while i try to “rest”. but alas, thats not the case, because i am… theoretically supposed to be breastfeeding and establishing the milk supply. of course people say this is the hardest in the 1st month because thats when your body dont know how much milk is needed and hence produce as much. Only in the following months that the supply gets regulated.

So that explains the excessive supply i got. Maybe also cos of the boob size, which translates into many milk ducts, the supply was crazy. And because i am unable to latch, i exclusively pump, which means im literally stuck to my pump every 2 hours or so for 30 mins. And then i need to clean up and wash and sterilise the parts to prepare for next pump. Where did my “rest” time go? all to the pump. i dont even spend time with my baby! is this fair to me or her?

Over the days, i started to get tired and weary and perhaps dragged the pump time abit longer. well, its not intentional but i started to get engorged. BAD BAD engorgement. only mummies will know the meaning of engorgement. usually it will be just soreness, tenderness, boob getting hard, pain and just have to massage and pump out. But the worst i got was shooting pain, my whole boob was rock hard, it was swollen and red, just a light touch and i wanna cry, the armpit and arm was also getting hot,i was getting feverish and i was shivering even under the blanket in an non-aircon room. i thought to myself  “is this what death feels like?” . Seriously it was really unbearable. no matter what i did,… hot compress.. cold compress.. cold cabbage,.. hot showers… nothing helped.

i am all about ready to give up breastfeeding. of course alot of emotions running inside. did i try my best? is this all my pain threshold could take? could i not try harder? am i letting my baby down?

please do not doubt me when i say its really mummy’s guilt. all mummies hope to provide their baby the best. i was all ready to control my diet to continue breastfeeding even tho i really needed a beer now and then.

we went to a GP on sunday in desperate measure to get medication to stop the throbbing pain from the boobs. he did not want to prescribe lactation suppression medication initially but maybe i look as if i am in depression, he eventually did. But after googling, the medication did not seem very safe. In fact it was different from what some of my friends took when they wanted to stop breastfeeding too.

So since we were going to see the PD on Mon, we decided to pop by my gynae to get a prescription for the safer medicine. Not cheap but anything for my sanity. Actually the pd also said that nowadays the formula is made quite smilar to breastmilk so no problem taking formula milk as well. i just dont understand why people are so adamant about giving only breastmilk. I mean people make their own choices right.

It is a sign, because i needed to pump badly and when we finally found a nursing room, my pump decided to die a natural death and could not be switch on. sigh. Everything is just not to my advantage.

So anyway the decision was made to stop with hubs support. I took the first dose at 7pm on 23 March 2015.

It is still emotional for me when i look at my pump parts, when i look at the fridge and see the supply i built up is slowly decreasing.. soon we need to defrost the ones in the freezer… soon there will be no more breastmilk. It is depressing when i see the things we bought to support breastfeeding (ie breast pads, nipple cream, breast shields, extra flanges, extra valves), In fact we bought a smaller portable pump so i can use when we go out or when i return to work. It hasnt even arrived and i decided to give up breastfeeding.

I dont even know why i must explain to people why we made this decision. All the shit i get from people about not trying hard enough and that breastfeeding/breastmilk is good for baby etc. Its not as if we dont know. But its not all about the baby right? Mama is going into depression. Rather than resting or being stuck to the pump,i rather be spending time cuddling with my baby. The day that was the worst, i didnt even see my baby the whole day because i was in the room trying to unclog the ducts.

I been crying every day and in pain. Who can understand this? Who are you to question why i decide to give up bfeeding. It is not an easy decision for me as well. Of course i hope to provide my baby breastmilk. But at the expense of my sanity and opportunity cost of time spent with my baby?

I think things would have been different if the experience of breastfeeding was easier, and if the primary caregiver for my baby is my mom. But the primary caregiver when i return to work will be my helper and i definitey dont want my baby to be too close to her, and so i wanna spend allt he time i have now with my baby. i wanna see my baby milestones, i wanna be able to comfort her when she cries, i want her to know i am mama and im always here. Im not a mama stuck to the pump!

Even today, i feel quite sad and emo when i was feeding her formula milk. I feel emo when i see the colour of her poo changed. (feeding BM and formula, the poo colour will differ).

But i guess in the long run, this will benefit baby, me and even hubs.

so do not judge us. do not question us. this is our decision.

to mummies who are thinking of the same route as i did, i support you.

to mummies who manage to breastfeed successfully, i salute you.

to mummies who feed formula from the start, i respect you.

 

So im about 10 days into Motherhood. How has it been?

The first 4 days was a struggle to adjust to this new phase in my life. Basically being strapped up to the IV and having a catheter inserted and recovering from the pain from the c sec operation didnt allow me to have time to cuddle with my baby. Not to mention the lactation consultant came by everyday to encourage you to breastfeed. The stress of breastfeeding was crazy. Yes they were very encouraging and tried to teach the way to latch on baby and to continue to do so even though it may hurt at the start. But personally i felt that i wasnt ready and that the pain and immobility put alot of stress on me. Moreover, there wasnt any milk in the first few days. It was all colostrum which i know is good. By day 2, the hardest decision was to start her on formula milk. Because she is a biggish baby, her appetite also was big. I wouldnt say we had no choice. I know i could have persisted to latch and wait for milk supply to kick in. But that was really causing alot of stress and i know milk will not come in if i am stressed. The pain of expressing milk is also indescribable. With the encouragement of the nurses and lactation consultant, we managed to syringe out the colostrum to feed to baby.

Day 5, the milk supply was coming in. I could feel it in the boobs. The throbbing and hardening. I felt like i could bash my head.. it was also our first day back home, and the stress of settling baby in, and us getting adjusted to this new little human in our household was the priotity. I couldnt find the energy and time to figure out breastfeeding! But the pain was so annoying. Tried to pump out everything but because it was engorged, the milk was not coming out. I was starting to get irritated and i really wanted to give up. My friends (aka mama support group) encouraged me not to give up and it was always like this in the beginning but once i figure it out, it would get much better. I discussed with Hubs on the possibility of feeding baby Formula and me giving up breastfeeding. Moreover, i had difficult latching on so it was exclusive pumping for me. Firstly i couldnt get the milk out, it was so painful. Secondly, i didnt know if i wanted to be stuck to the silly machine every 2 hrs for 30 mins. I could have spent this time cuddling with my baby, no?

Hubs told me to try and to hang in there, and to give it a week or two. (sigh! if only he knew how painful it was). But okay, for baby’s sake, i will hang in there.

Things started to get better in the following days, i started to try various methods to relieve the engorgement. The best method was to use a hot towel to hot compress and squeeze all the milk out. Soon, with hubs help to massage, we managed to clear the engorgement. Next was to establish a schedule to pump out the milk. I wouldnt lie and say it was easy, but i guess its all about discipline. I now pump every 2.5-3hrs unless i overslept. and i manage to get about 90ml averagely per pump. It is not the best but at least at the moment i am keeping up with baby’s demand.

Yes things got better, we are adjusting nicely, we manage to get a pumping schedule going on, we are getting more sleep with the help of my mom who does the night duty. Im not sure how it would be like when the Hubs return to work next week, but i guess mummy instincts will kick in.

Alot of first’s for us, changing diapers 4 times a night, crawling out of bed to prepare milk for her, ensuring everything is clean, washing and sterilising bottles and pump parts – this is almost our daily life right now. But you know what? seeing her smile at us, that makes it all worthwhile.

I am also not being very strict on confinement. Mom cooks confinement food for me everyday – which includes alot of ginger, sesame oil, vinegar, tonic, herbs and lots of fish. I drink longan red date everyday, and abit of cheat drink is milo. I had my first shower on Day 3 when the IV was removed on my hand. Suddenly i felt like a human again. That shower was really needed to help me regain my sanity. I had my first hair wash on Day 5 and second hair wash on Day 10. I have a quick shower everyday with warm water straight from the shower, i use the lemongrass confinement shower gel though. I believe that hygiene is very important especially with the breastfeeding and bleeding going on. For the first few days, i also try not to have direct wind blowing at me, and i also wore bed room slippers. But with a crying baby and the busy day of making milk, the bed room slippers are now forgotten.

Day 10 thoughts : I think family support is very important, and more importantly, it is very good to talk to your husband and let him know how you are feeling all the time. It is good to have communication and discuss on issues. I broke down twice from all the trying to make milk and thinking i am an inadequate parent. I am also very lucky that Hubs have been very hands on and when i cannot carry babygirl because of the pain from the wound (yes its still hurting today!!), he takes over the cuddling and burping. Im sure he will be more tired than me when he returns to work, but thank you Hubs for being the best daddy to our babygirl.